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Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life
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Review
I thoroughly enjoyed reading Fjelstad´s book and I found it informative, exciting, and above all very well written. Fjelstad is truly honest and frank about the fact that the borderline and narcissist are mentally ill and unwilling to change. She is open about the fact that caretakers too get something from the situation and that it is up to them to break the cycle of caretaking since the BP or NP is not going to change their ways. Fjelstad's advice is well thought out and practical which makes them easier to follow and she provides the reader with specific ideas and examples to how the caretaker can make the changes needed to rid themselves of the power that the BP or NP has over them. . . . [T]he book is excellent material for anyone that is living with or has any involvement with a BP or a NP, close or distant, since the book fosters understanding of the disorders and the need of the caretaker. The book can be of great use to psychology student, especially those in clinical psychology or those focusing on personality disorders. (Metapsychology Online)Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist is refreshingly no-nonsense, provides lots of useful hints on how to put this self-care model into practice while at the same time informing thoroughly and in no uncertain terms about the BP/NP's view of the world. It is a most helpful book! (Addiction / Sucht / Adicción)
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About the Author
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT, has a private psychotherapy practice in Ft. Collins, CO, specializing in work with clients who are in relationship to someone who has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, and she facilitates groups on Caretaker recovery. She has previously been an Adjunct Faculty member at Regis University in Colorado Springs and at California State University in Sacramento.
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Product details
Paperback: 228 pages
Publisher: Rl; Reprint edition (August 14, 2014)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1442238321
ISBN-13: 978-1442238329
Product Dimensions:
6 x 0.6 x 9 inches
Shipping Weight: 11.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.6 out of 5 stars
347 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#11,379 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
Practical information of why we take these people in, usually conditioned from childhood damaged parent, and how to stop being human magnet as we bleed ourselves out thinking we can make a difference to these unfortunate souls (no judgment here other than they do cause tremendous damage). We matter too! We can learn the tactics of gray-rock responsiveness to the never-ending drama of their lives, listening without acting, not taking responsibility for one more crisis, leaning how to back away slowly, or shut the door completely for no contact. We can be kind and listen (although not too much), and indicate we are sure they will figure out whatever it is, because we know from experiene the more we do for them, the more they will take, and the minute you say NO, or just run out of resources you are vilified, dismissed, labeled as a traitor or worthless or worse, and then the smear campaign and revenge begins. Find out a healthier way to deal with stepping back but not initiating all out war on their part. I had one as a mother, and one as a husband, and keep pulling them in as friends. Energy vampires that suck everything out and have no true empathy to return the help when you need it. Of the year's and life I've wasted not understanding the dynamics of this dance, and that as an Meyers Briggs INFJ, I'm the perfect caretaker, protector they are seeking with a laser focused hunting rifle. I got it now. We can wish peace, be kind, and detach or stay aloof, but letting them in too deep usually causes stress and real life problems. There are professionals in the world to deal with these poor brain damaged souls, they didn't ask for their pain and emptiness, but I don't want it either. Save yourself, help yourself, and give to those who can give back in a balanced an caring way. It's hard to recognized a "normal" relationship, we don't trust that feeling, but practice makes perfect. Give yourself your life back. If you suspect have a conflict with one of these in your professional life, (and you can't really diagnose mental illness yourself, it's a professional's job), be very very wary, share nothing about your personal life or any professional failure that can be catalogued and used against you. Understand your caretaking co-dependant ways really don't help them in the long run and only drain you. Save yourself, you'll be lucky if you can. The abuse you receive from these inidivudals turns our thinking upside down and doubt creeps into every decision and accomplishment. Don't argue, don't try to reason (there is no reasoning), don't try to "fix" them, it may be permanent wiring issue, that's for a professional to decide. Work on your boundaries, self-worth and learn to let go and hit the delete key when toxic patterns of behaviour show up. This book gives you concrete advice on identifying your issues and the types of toxic unfortunate broken people we can repeatedly bring into our life. It's not our job to save them, they will find someone else - believe me, they have a supply at all times. When it's a parent, you'll feel most empowered when you finally tell them you don't need them, and if they want to stay in contact, lay down the rules. You are worth more then what you'll hear from them. Take care, read on, and find a better path. Breath and not worry if your breathing causes them a headache! Best wishes on your road to healing, I really liked this book.
Based on my personal experience, work with therapists, and a lot of research the author ignores the '1000 pound elephant' in the room. If you begin taking these very healthy, life affirming steps there is an excellent chance the Narcissist will discard you. I'm not as sure about Borderlines, but with my narcissistic husband, when I refused to be "enmeshed," and attempted to do things that were important to me and set boundaries he left. Perhaps I should say "good riddance" but it was a brutal shock, especially the way he left. He came home one day, packed up a U-haul and drove away. To this day, almost a year later, I don't know where he is. Before he drove off his chief complaints could have been lifted verbatim from this book. We didn't think as one. I was selfish. I didn't take his needs seriously. I didn't drop everything to talk when he needed it and he said things like, "I've been upset for a long time and you haven't even noticed." He got his revenge by discarding me. Again, in my experience and opinion, it is virtually impossible to follow the advice in this book-which you nevertheless should follow-and stay in relationship with a Narcissist because they won't allow it. The author REALLY needs to spend more time addressing Narcissistic discard because it is a very real risk and if you've been a Caretaker for a long time as I have you're not prepared for it.
Having been raised in a family with a borderline/narcissist mother, and an enabling father, I have been in denial most of my life about how dysfunctional our life was. This book has forced my eyes open in a way that 7 years with my therapist could not do. Granted, as a recovering Caretaker, I was ready to hear the whole truth about how dysfunctional I had become and how much work is ahead of me to fix myself and not the other people in my life, but this book got into every nook and cranny of dysfunction and called it what it was. I am shocked at all the connections I never made and dismayed at how much I still need to change but I am going to do the hard work ahead. Dysfunction has affected at least 4 generations, I want the buck to stop with me so my kids have a better role model.
If anyone has hurt you emotionally, physically or mentally on a continued basis and you're trying to decide whether to leave or not, then this book is for you. If you have left an abusive person, then this book is for you. If you have or had controlling parents, boyfriend, girlfriends or boss, then this book is for you. This book could also be helpful if you are or have been involved with an alcoholic or addict. The author does an excellent job at the describing these abusive people, how to let go of them and how to rebuild your life.A bonus is that the author clearly defines what to look for in a healthy relationship. The following is my summary, but the author's ideas.A real relationship is based on each person giving the other approximately the same amount of energy as the other receives. Whether this energy is in the form of attention, invitations, gifts, advice, help, or understanding does not matter. This is called reciprocity.A healthy relationship is* One that is nurturing to one another,* Fulfills the relational needs of each person and* Attends to the interests and desires of each other.In addition, a healthy relationship* Does not drain the other, but gives the other energy,* Helps each other feel relaxed and* Makes the other feel wanted and cared for.
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